Research suggests that 50–80% of our workday is spent communicating. Between emails, meetings, presentations, one-on-ones, video calls, feedback conversations and the countless quick exchanges that fill our calendars, communication is the work. And the more senior you become, the more of your job is spent doing it.
We tend to think of leadership as strategy, vision, decision-making and execution. Those things matter, but none of them happen without language. You have to communicate the strategy, socialize the vision, explain the decision and mobilize people to execute.
Leadership is language, which means one of the most effective things you can do to change your career is change how you communicate.
I was reminded of this while coaching a senior vice president at a marketing agency. As part of our work together, I conducted a 360 assessment, interviewing about a dozen people who worked with her. She was an accomplished executive, yet when I asked people what might keep her from advancing, they didn’t talk about her ability to develop strategy or manage the work. They talked about how she communicated.
They described someone who sometimes lacked confidence in her delivery, second-guessed herself and didn’t always provide clear, actionable feedback. Several people wanted to see her trust her instincts and own her decisions more consistently. One person put it plainly: She was going to have a hard time moving beyond her current level if she didn’t get this under control.
This was her language.
That’s why I believe ambitious professionals need to pay much closer attention to the words and phrases that have quietly made their way into their leadership vocabulary. Some may seem harmless, but when used repeatedly, they can minimize your authority before you’ve even made your point.
You’ve probably heard yourself say some version of, “This might be a stupid question, but…” or “I’m not sure I’m thinking about this the right way, but…”
Pay attention to language that shrinks you
I call these phrases shrinking pills because they allow you to make yourself smaller before someone else has the chance to do it for you. If I announce that my question might be stupid, I’ve lowered expectations for my contribution and given you permission to dismiss it before I’ve even asked it.
The solution isn’t to find a more sophisticated disclaimer. It’s to eliminate the disclaimer and ask the question you came to ask.
Stop asking permission to contribute
Permission-seeking is another habit that can quietly undermine how others experience your leadership. Phrases such as “Can I ask you a question?”, “Can I give you some feedback?” and “Can I interrupt?” may sound polite, but when you constantly ask for permission to contribute, you begin to position your contribution as optional.
Instead, start from the assumption that your voice belongs in the room. If you have feedback that needs to be shared, share it thoughtfully. If you have a question, ask it. If you need to enter the conversation, find a respectful opening and enter it. You don’t need permission to participate in conversations you’re already a part of.
Replace validation with self-assessment
Then there’s one of the most common questions I hear: “Does that make sense?”
Sometimes it’s a legitimate comprehension check, but often, it’s a request for validation. What we’re really asking is, Please tell me what I just said was clear. Please tell me I did okay.
The same thing happens after a big presentation when we immediately turn to someone and ask, “How did I do?” But part of growing as a leader is developing the capacity to assess your own performance rather than constantly looking to someone else to tell you how you did.
Instead of asking, “Does that make sense?” try asking, “What questions do you have?” Instead of “How did I do?” consider asking whether the objective was met. It’s a subtle shift, but it moves the conversation away from validating you and toward evaluating the work.
Replace unnecessary apologies with acknowledgment
We also apologize far more than necessary, often saying things like, “Sorry, I have another question,” “Sorry I’m a few minutes late,” or “Sorry, can you repeat that?”
There are certainly times when an apology is warranted, particularly when you’ve caused harm, made a meaningful mistake or need to take responsibility. But apologizing simply for taking up reasonable space can become another way of diminishing your presence.
Try replacing unnecessary apologies with acknowledgment. Instead of “Sorry I’m late,” try “Thank you for waiting.” Instead of “Sorry, can you repeat that?” try “That was a valuable point. Can you repeat it?” You can recognize the impact on another person without automatically positioning yourself as having done something wrong.
Show respect instead of announcing it
Another phrase worth retiring is “with all due respect.” Respect isn’t something you announce before disagreeing with someone; it’s something you demonstrate by listening carefully, considering their perspective and responding thoughtfully.
Instead of saying, “With all due respect, I disagree,” you might say, “I’d like to explore another possibility,” or “I want us to consider something that could strengthen that idea.” You can disagree, challenge an idea or introduce a different perspective without diminishing the other person or shrinking yourself.
Your communication habits are career habits
Most of these phrases don’t come from a lack of intelligence or capability. We often use them because we’re trying to protect ourselves. We don’t want to sound too strong, be judged or lose connection with the people around us, so we soften, qualify, apologize and seek permission.
But there’s a cost to constantly protecting yourself through your language. You can unintentionally hide the very leadership qualities you want other people to see.
Changing these habits doesn’t happen because you read an article and vow never to say “just” again. It starts with awareness. For the next week, listen to yourself and pay attention to the qualifiers, permission-seeking and unnecessary apologies that show up in your conversations. Notice whether your posture changes or your body physically gets smaller when you say certain things, and then begin practicing a different choice.
Because if most of your workday is spent communicating, communication isn’t a side skill. It’s one of the primary ways people experience your judgment, confidence, expertise and leadership.
If you want to change your career, don’t focus only on working harder, taking on another project or collecting another credential. Pay attention to how you communicate the expertise you’ve already spent years developing.
Changing your communication can change how people experience your leadership, and that can change what becomes possible next.
Risk Fitness Club is the courage-obsessed, practice-focused leadership communication community for ambitious, mid-career professionals ready to own their brilliance — without apology.